A Shaggy Dog story. - Week 5 Preview

A Shaggy Dog Story - Week 5 Preview

Bob's dog lends a hand.

Following all the hullabaloo last week about the missing USB, the ear bashing that Carl and Bob received from their Editor, Branson Peekle, about the identity and protection of Company sources and the latest revelations that the safety of the entire whole wide world was at stake lest the missing ‘plug in’ was recovered, our heroes decided to call in a favour from their old martini drinking school chum and tuxedo wearing bon vivant.

‘Bond, Carlton Bond, stirred but not shaken’ says the boys old house captain into his flip top walkie talkie watch as he reached across the dozing svelte blonde sleeping carefree in his silk sheeted king size bed. Picking up his glass, he sipped and de pipped his olive laden cocktail. ‘Squeaky, old boy, Knobbler, dear chum how are you doing? Tell me chaps, what the devil can I do for you?’

Well after the initial pleasantries, Bob and Carl explained their predicament. Bond listened, considered, nodded sagely and agreed that this was indeed a dire situation and most definitely in need of his immediate attention. ‘Tell me where have you fellows been recently?’ Bond enquired.

Now hold on then, a question such as this when aimed at most of the general public normally elicits a fairly workaday riposte, but, when aimed at our dynamic CNFLE reporting duo a question of this ilk has many, many, many possible answers, not all of them completely believable or probable. After all it’s certainly not every day you happen upon such wonders as the Lost City of Atlantis, prancing unicorns, or indeed an alternate reality where the Cleveland Browns dynasty was entering it’s 30^th straight year, which I am sure you will agree is quite frankly beyond even the most far reaching of imaginations. It is quite conceivable that this sort of question could open up a proverbial Pandora’s box of possibility, or of course, they could have just gone to Sainsbury’s to pick up a paper and some eggs for breakfast.

‘Well’ Bob reluctantly offered, ‘after we escaped from the fearsome albino cannibals of the North it went something like this....’

You may recall that our heroes had only one way they could go and that was down. Like a bat out of hell they dug for their lives, traversing through the frozen Polar surface, between the Midocaen ridges, stopping only for cocoa and a rich tea biscuit handily secreted in Bob’s camouflaged backpack, whilst hiding beneath an extravagant rock formation within the earthy igneous mantle until they were sure that their furious captors had given up the ghost.

Weary from their exertions, the pair searched for somewhere close at hand that they could lay their heads and catch forty winks, and o’er in the distance yonder they spied such a place. Tucked away in the outer reaches of their vision was a small tunnel which offered our heroes shelter.

Finding a suitably smooth part of the tunnel the pair thanked the Great Prophets of Sporting Prowess (Lord rest their soul) and counted their blessing before throwing a few zeds. However, little did they know that this tunnel was in fact part a small section of a gigantic water pipe system which connected back into the kitchens belonging to the King of Babylonia.

Carl arrives in the Kings kitchen.

Anyways, to cut a long story not so long, the chaps were awoken with a start as a rush of water flushed       them down into the kitchen, where, upon my soul and before they had time to gasp for air, they were summarily escorted to the Kings chambers to explain who they were, what they wanted and why on earth they were only 5ft 10 inches tall. Babylonians being at least 11ft and 3 inches themselves you see on account of the intense heat being an active accelerant to growth of the body’s bones.

Now this was all a bit of a waste of time really as the Babylonian king had all the answers already stashed in his noggin, for he had consulted his magical balls of crystal at least twice already that morning. You see, it was all a ruse to ascertain whether these miniature strangers where legit or whether like Lord Lucan they were going to present a problem to the secrecy of Babylonia!

Our intrepid reporters then regaled the King with their tale, explaining about the cannibals and everything. The Kings eyes grew wider and wider, and then smaller, and then wider a bit more until he raised his hand. ‘Stop!’ ordered he, ‘enough, you tell the truth, and as your escape has humiliated our mortal enemies and for bringing shame on the dastardly tribe of Albino cannibals we present you with this, a gift!,’ and he grabbed his sack, rummaged around for one of his balls and thrust it directly at the pair of unsuspecting media munchkins.

But oh… oh, oh oh how it glowed, it was akin to looking up at the night’s sky as a young whippersnapper, the creamy effervescent incandescence of the omnipotent orb bewitching the bedraggled brace. ‘What is it’ Bob and Carl asked in unison, mouths wide open, cavities agape.

‘It is the rarest thing in the subterraniverse, a Babylonian Crystal ball’ whispered the King, ‘and it will tell you the future for all eternity if you remain true of heart’.

The King and the gift.

‘Oh’, said the chaps, ‘thanks’, and they plopped it into their rucksack. ‘Very kind’ said they, shaking the King by his outsized hand, ‘but we must be off’ they continued, ‘the CNFLE editors will be wondering where we are by now and we are already late with our preview’

And off they crawled, into the infernal blackness of the shallow mantle, with their precious orb safely tucked away in their three armed knapsack, desperate to find their way home.

‘Chaps’, Bond pointedly interjected, ‘whilst all that is jolly interesting and explains how you delinquent pair came to be so uncannily spot on with their predictions the previous week, it still does not provide any clarity as to where you may have lost your USB’. He sipped a sip further.

‘Oh’, said Carl, ‘quite right, well.....’ the other phone on Bob’s desk buzzed into life. Carl paused.

High pitched muffled profanity pervaded the proximity.

‘If you can just hang on there, Bond my old mucker, the Editor is on Bob’s phone giving us an earful about being late again with this week’s preview, you’ll have to bear with me’....

The Editor.  Known to have a short temper.

And so the great Carlton Bond, flipped back his watch lid, plumped up the silky goose down pillows, and trying not to disturb his delectable companion, Tatania Dobronetska, the KGB’s most insatiable handler, picked up the multi buttoned remote and watched a rerun of Britain’s got Talent as he waited for Carl to finish up with his preview.

Which is lucky for you.

So then, is it all just hokum? Have Bob and Carl spun a shaggy dog story, or shall we take another trip through the looking glass to see what we can see………

Game of the Week.

Royal with TD’s v The Hairy Frog Disco

Not the touchdown the Royals wanted.

After the results of last week, both teams still have the sceptics firmly on their backs. The Royale critics suggest they haven’t played anyone of any note yet, beating Swedes, Baptists and the winless Fear Factory, whilst losing to the Riggins boys in their only tough assignment to date. ‘We are not amused’ says the Royales to such jibes. The Hairies have been branded as ‘lucky’ thus far. Improbable scores from impossible areas have provided the Disco with a pair of 12 inch platforms from which to stand tall, and when they did fail to produce last week, it took a -2.32 score from the previously outstanding Cutler to give the Hairies another fortunate ‘W’. This match is set to decide who is for real in the quest to lose to Yoda come the Bowl game.

Royale have Rivers fit and healthy and firing on all cylinders, but this week the Chargers are up against a good Raider secondary which could restrict the Rivers flow. The Hairies usual starter Brady, is on a bye so they have reached into the waivers and plucked the Lions Shaun Hill. Hill will turn it over, but against the Rams and with Best not quite back to his, could score heavily and for a lot of yards in what could be a shootout in Motor City. - Edge : Royale

Both these sets of running backs have yet to hit top gear. Rice has been a big disappointment so far this season and after getting hurt last week is set to underwhelm again, Jackson although starting to show glimpses is not the force of yesteryear but this could be a return to ye olde days as he will get plenty of running room against the Lions and will also see a fair amount of action in the flat. The Frogs backfield is nothing short of a shambles at the moment. Aside from one big game from Turner, there has been little or no production thus far. If Turner can’t do it against the Browns then it could be a long season for the Hairies. Perm one from three of Wells, Hightower or Barber for zero production this week although Wells is now fit and bemoaned his lack of involvement in a quarterbackless Cardinals offence. Edge : Royale

As poor as the Disco’s backs are, the receivers have been pretty solid thus far. ‘85’ will benefit from the attention Owens will get following his 200+ yard performance last week and Nicks is set for another big game against a Buccaneers defence that can’t deal with the long threat. Driver or Mason will add another 10 points in this department. The trio employed by Royale have promise but have yet to fulfil it. Sims Walker was a flop last week but could go well against the hapless Bills, Henderson is one puppy of a large litter, so could get a bowl full or could get the scraps, although the Cards have conceded 40+ twice already this year. Clayton is tenacious and will get a few grabs in the Motor City shootout. Edge : Disco

With this duel between tight ends facing up in the same match, much will depend on how fit the Vikes Shiancoe is, and how much Moss has got to grips with the Vikings play book, although run fast and Brett will drop a bomb should be simple enough for Moss to comprehend. Keller continues to shine and should be good enough to edge this battle provided the Jets O line can keep the Vikes pass rush at bay in the Metrodome. Edge : Disco

The bye week hits the Disco again with their Pitts D taking a breather. Sharp action into the waiver pool sees the Disco take the Bears as a replacement however and their matchup up with the Panthers should yield a healthy bounty. After their own bye week drama, the Cowboys defence returns for Royale and with Vince Young’s scrambling propensities could gather a few sack points. Which CJ will turn up? If it’s the one from last year then it could get ugly for the Pokes who struggle against lightning quick runners. Edge : Disco

On the face of it, you would do well to back against a team that has its two highest scoring components missing, however the two replacements have excellent prospects this week albeit only this week. Royale are the lowest scoring 3 and 1 team, and have been outscored by the Disco by 100 points or thereabouts through four weeks. It will be closer than that but come the final scores, the Disco will still be dancing.

Verdict : Disco by 7

It’s a Lottery v Seventy Nine FC

Lloyd could struggle.

It was almost so good, it was almost the upset of the week, almost. The Lottery must be wondering what they have to do to win a game after posting a creditable 100 points again last week, but with Gotkowski cracking an unlikely 11 points they were undone once more, this time to the French Leader by a meagre two points. The Niners won again last week to move to an impressive 3 and 1, and although they sit third in the ultra competitive Division 3, could lay legitimate claim to be the best of the rest after Yoda.

Is this the week that the Lotterys numbers come up? Could be. Brees is set for a bumper harvest against an inept Cardinals outfit. Addai continues to impress for the Colts and new signing Tomlinson makes his debut for the winless Lottery, although don’t expect too much against a solid Vikes run defence. Miles Austin returns from his bye and the absence of a Dallas running game should ensure he gets a fair amount of attention. Don’t rely on Walter and Moore to post great numbers, but they should contribute.

Is this the week that it all catches up with the Seventy Niners? Could be. Manning, as ever, is a lock for 25 points, Best will replace Ellis in the backfield and could have a starring role in what promises to be a high scoring affair against the Rams, but then it gets a little thin. Sproles is the third back in the Chargers offence that Norv has said will feature Matthews more, and the receivers all have problems. Lloyd is up against the Ravens, Edwards will struggle against a tough Vikes D, and Fitz has nobody to throw him the ball.

This is it, you heard it here first. This is the week that the Lottery finally breaks their duck. Where they go from here who knows, but the matchups that face the Niners, combined with the Lottery’s continued benefit of the early waiver selection will see the Chairman’s boys home with the glory for the first time this year.

Verdict : Lottery by 10 (Did I really say that!)

Bryants Baptists v Ttttaylor

It's not going well for the Baptists.

The season starts here for both these teams after both dropped to losses last week, the Baptists not surprisingly to the juggernaut that is Yoda, but Ttttalyor went down in disappointing fashion to the previously winless and now jubilant Super Swedes. Who will get their season back on track?

The Baptists are in for a rough ride at QB as Sanchez will have to take evasive action regularly against a dominant Vikes pass rush. With Mendenhall on a bye, Forte and Jackson are left to carry the can. Forte should be okay against the Panthers once the Bears get ahead and start to control the clock. It will be more difficult for Jackson though as he is slated to share more time with Kuhn now in the Packers backfield. At wideout, Colston and Hester will contribute, but Floyd on food will struggle with too much put on his plate against a hungry Raiders secondary.

I just don’t get it. How come a team such as Ttttaylor, loaded with this much talent keeps messing things up. Even the trade that saw Tomlinson end up at the Lottery and Vick making his way to Ttttaylor has gone wrong, with Vick injuring himself on the same day as the trade was sanctioned. Go figure! As a result Flacco keeps his spot as Ttttaylors play caller and if ever he owed his Coach a performance, now is the time. With Boldin shadowed by Bailey, Flacco will have to show he has the vision to check down to options 2, 3 and 4 if Ttttaylor is to benefit. No 1 pick CJ will have to start living up to his billing or else it could turn out to be a bum pick sooner rather than later. Look for Cedric Benson to pound out the yards against the Buccs when the Bengals get ahead. Bryant will look to play a larger role in the Cowboys offence, but there are question marks about Jackson with Kolb back under centre.

The time has come for CJ to make a difference as he is set to gash an over aggressive Dallas D, combined with Bensons contribution this week, it should be enough to see Ttttaylor ttttopple the Bapttttistttts. Back to the chess board I am afraid for Bryants Boys in what is shaping up to be a trying time for the Bryant faithful.

Verdict : Ttttaylor by 7

The Bone Rocks v French Leader

Megatron.  One to start?

‘The Bone Rocks are who we thought they are’. Or are they? After two great wins to open up the season the last two games has seen them slump back into the pack. French Leader must have a rabbits foot or some gypsy heather stashed in his back pocket as they rival the Disco for the title of ‘most fortunate team’ after squeaking past the distraught Lottery by a brace of points and stealing victory from the Niners by less than a point. For 3 and 1 read 1 and 3 on another day, and then its a different season for the Leader, the leader, the leader of a big old gang.

The Boners start this week with Palmer, who has had an erratic start to the year, but will be more productive against a Buccs team that cannot defend the pass. Tolbert is set to get his fair share of carries in a Chargers game plan that is set once more to run against the Raiders, Gore will get his weekly donkey work again, but it’s looking like the Wembley bound 49ers will come to this beautiful isle on the back of a disastrous campaign and Gore is looking like the only fantasy relevant Niner this year. The ‘start of the week’ for week 5, Megatron will put up humungous, massive, monster numbers and Jennings will also be a seriously heavy point scorer for the Pack this week, but don’t expect much else.

Sacre Bleu!! Trois et une, c’est encroyable!! Or words to that effect. As usual expect Rodgers to lead the way as he destroys the Redskins. Fred Jackson will benefit from the Lynch trade, but it’s still just for Buffalo, how many times do I have to say it!!. McCoy is dinged up although will still start but expect him to play a limited role with Bell as his support cast. There is nothing doing in the French Leader receiving department. Boldin is to be limited against Bailey. Royal is to be limited against the Ravens. Maclin is to be limited due to Kolb. Limit your expectations French Fans.

This is tough one to call, the way things are going for the French, Lady Luck will see them through, however the Rodgers to Jennings combo could benefit the Rockers more than Leader and with Megatron set to light a fire under my chair this week. It’s the Boners for me!

Verdict : Bone by 3

Fear Factory v Tim Riggins Bench Warmers

Coach Botond, ashamed to show his face?

After losing out in probably the lowest scoring fantasy game of all time, can Coach Botond muster up the pluck to pick his troops up against fellow weekly losers Riggins to record their first win of the season? Riggins almost pulled of an improbable victory against the Disco and but for an implosion by Cutler and the injury to Johnson they would still be unbeaten and dreaming the impossible dream.

Good news, Roethlisberger is available. Bad news, he is on a bye this week. This Factory team is in need of a little TLC. Moss has gone to where the love is to help out the Vikes pass attack, and will in time be scoring well again, however it could be too late for the Factory by then. Maroney seems to have blown his big opportunity to become the starter at the Mile High, but Matthews matches up well against the Raiders. The Saints will be happy to see a rookie debutant over the other side of the scrimmage and will give Max Hall a rough time of it. The receivers don’t look too bad this week as Smith will be productive against the Texans and the other Moss brother should be in the thick of it this week. Needs to grab a tight end of the waiver wire as both options are on a bye! Things could be looking up.

After the heartbreak of last week, this is now where the rookie coach will earn his stripes. Portis is out. Cutler is out. Johnson is questionable, Ward is on a bye and Wayne is listed as probable. Jones comes in for Clinton, Manning comes in for Cutler and Roy E. Comes in for either of the wide outs should either not be able to go. Holmes, back in play after suspension will sit in the 3^rd WR spot and with these adjustments and the matchups the replacements have all should be good to go to get things back on track. But the way things stand at the time of going to press, the factory seem far more prepared at this current time.

On the basis that Riggins makes the expected adjustments, its time to really fear for the Factory.

Verdict : Riggins by 7

Super Swedes v Yoda From Wales

Swedes Coach Peter (in the red) celebrates last weeks win.

The solitary erroneous prediction last week, the Swedes overturned Ttttaylor to claim their first win of the season and the parties in Stockholm City centre went on well into the working week. Kopparbergs all round, pronounced Coach Peter. Yoda made mincemeat of the Baptists last week and for all intents and purposes look to have the makings of champions even at this early stage of the season and are so comfortable have even had time to rebrand the organizations logo. How did they do that? I want one!

A rested Romo leads the Swedes into this battle against the odds, and traditionally puts up strong numbers after the bye week. Mojo looks to have put his early season injury issue behind him and will score a bucketload against the Bills. Indy have had trouble stopping the run so may struggle to contain Charles and White will prove a handful for the Browns secondary as Matt Ryan’s favourite target. Hang on, it’s looking pretty good for the Swedes. Do we have an upset alert on our hands? If the Bengals D gets a handle on the Buccaneers offensive schemes, you know I think we just might have.

But hold on right there! This is Yoda, this is the team that averages 134 points per game, this is the team that is sitting pretty as the only remaining undefeated team, for goodness sakes, this is the team that has the force and is not afraid to use it. But Shaub and Foster face up against the G-Men D who made a mess of da Bears. Peterson is up against a pretty good Jets front line. Britt and Manningham have been non factors thus far, and number one receiver Marshall sits out this week and makes way for T.O. who got the popcorn out last week. Can he do the business two weeks on the spin, against the Bucs it’s possible. Gates will see less action than usual as the Bolts will run all day against the Raiders.

Get the doctor quick. I think I must have drunk too much sea water. Swedes to end Yoda’s perfect season and give hope to the rest of the League!

Verdict : Swedes by 10

And there we have it once again for this week. The crystal ball brought back from the centre of the earth predicts Wins for Hairy Frog Disco, It’s A lottery, Tim Riggins Bench Warmers, Ttttaylor, The Bone Rocks and Super Swedes. Riggins and Disco join Yoda with four wins, Lottery chalk up their first W, Bone and Swedes put their season back on track and I am afraid it’s more time in detention for the Factory.

As a result Bob & Carl are off down the bookies to place a slightly larger wager with official bookmaker Vasco De Gama who is currently offering the following odds on the eventual winner.

 Yoda from Wales 1/5

Tim Riggins Bench Warmers 4/1

The Hairy Frog Disco 4/1

The Bone Rocks 5/1

Seventy Nine FC 5/1

French Leader 5/1

Royal with TD’s 6/1

Ttttaylor 8/1

Super Swedes 12/1

Bryants Baptists 14/1

Its A Lottery 16/1

Fear Factory 33/1

Anyone wish to bet a couple of Carltons* on who might be the winner? (Please bet responsibly).

Good luck for the week 5 gentlemen.

CW & BB

* A Carlton is the imaginary currency of the CNFLE II. Each Coach starts with an credit account of 10 Carltons that they can use over the course of the season on hypothetical wagers without damaging the ‘real life’ finances unduly.