A Shaggy Dog story. - Week 5 Preview

A Shaggy Dog Story - Week 5 Preview

Bob's dog lends a hand.

Following all the hullabaloo last week about the missing USB, the ear bashing that Carl and Bob received from their Editor, Branson Peekle, about the identity and protection of Company sources and the latest revelations that the safety of the entire whole wide world was at stake lest the missing ‘plug in’ was recovered, our heroes decided to call in a favour from their old martini drinking school chum and tuxedo wearing bon vivant.

‘Bond, Carlton Bond, stirred but not shaken’ says the boys old house captain into his flip top walkie talkie watch as he reached across the dozing svelte blonde sleeping carefree in his silk sheeted king size bed. Picking up his glass, he sipped and de pipped his olive laden cocktail. ‘Squeaky, old boy, Knobbler, dear chum how are you doing? Tell me chaps, what the devil can I do for you?’

Well after the initial pleasantries, Bob and Carl explained their predicament. Bond listened, considered, nodded sagely and agreed that this was indeed a dire situation and most definitely in need of his immediate attention. ‘Tell me where have you fellows been recently?’ Bond enquired.

Now hold on then, a question such as this when aimed at most of the general public normally elicits a fairly workaday riposte, but, when aimed at our dynamic CNFLE reporting duo a question of this ilk has many, many, many possible answers, not all of them completely believable or probable. After all it’s certainly not every day you happen upon such wonders as the Lost City of Atlantis, prancing unicorns, or indeed an alternate reality where the Cleveland Browns dynasty was entering it’s 30^th straight year, which I am sure you will agree is quite frankly beyond even the most far reaching of imaginations. It is quite conceivable that this sort of question could open up a proverbial Pandora’s box of possibility, or of course, they could have just gone to Sainsbury’s to pick up a paper and some eggs for breakfast.

‘Well’ Bob reluctantly offered, ‘after we escaped from the fearsome albino cannibals of the North it went something like this....’

You may recall that our heroes had only one way they could go and that was down. Like a bat out of hell they dug for their lives, traversing through the frozen Polar surface, between the Midocaen ridges, stopping only for cocoa and a rich tea biscuit handily secreted in Bob’s camouflaged backpack, whilst hiding beneath an extravagant rock formation within the earthy igneous mantle until they were sure that their furious captors had given up the ghost.

Weary from their exertions, the pair searched for somewhere close at hand that they could lay their heads and catch forty winks, and o’er in the distance yonder they spied such a place. Tucked away in the outer reaches of their vision was a small tunnel which offered our heroes shelter.

Finding a suitably smooth part of the tunnel the pair thanked the Great Prophets of Sporting Prowess (Lord rest their soul) and counted their blessing before throwing a few zeds. However, little did they know that this tunnel was in fact part a small section of a gigantic water pipe system which connected back into the kitchens belonging to the King of Babylonia.

Carl arrives in the Kings kitchen.

Anyways, to cut a long story not so long, the chaps were awoken with a start as a rush of water flushed       them down into the kitchen, where, upon my soul and before they had time to gasp for air, they were summarily escorted to the Kings chambers to explain who they were, what they wanted and why on earth they were only 5ft 10 inches tall. Babylonians being at least 11ft and 3 inches themselves you see on account of the intense heat being an active accelerant to growth of the body’s bones.

Now this was all a bit of a waste of time really as the Babylonian king had all the answers already stashed in his noggin, for he had consulted his magical balls of crystal at least twice already that morning. You see, it was all a ruse to ascertain whether these miniature strangers where legit or whether like Lord Lucan they were going to present a problem to the secrecy of Babylonia!

Our intrepid reporters then regaled the King with their tale, explaining about the cannibals and everything. The Kings eyes grew wider and wider, and then smaller, and then wider a bit more until he raised his hand. ‘Stop!’ ordered he, ‘enough, you tell the truth, and as your escape has humiliated our mortal enemies and for bringing shame on the dastardly tribe of Albino cannibals we present you with this, a gift!,’ and he grabbed his sack, rummaged around for one of his balls and thrust it directly at the pair of unsuspecting media munchkins.

But oh… oh, oh oh how it glowed, it was akin to looking up at the night’s sky as a young whippersnapper, the creamy effervescent incandescence of the omnipotent orb bewitching the bedraggled brace. ‘What is it’ Bob and Carl asked in unison, mouths wide open, cavities agape.

‘It is the rarest thing in the subterraniverse, a Babylonian Crystal ball’ whispered the King, ‘and it will tell you the future for all eternity if you remain true of heart’.

The King and the gift.

‘Oh’, said the chaps, ‘thanks’, and they plopped it into their rucksack. ‘Very kind’ said they, shaking the King by his outsized hand, ‘but we must be off’ they continued, ‘the CNFLE editors will be wondering where we are by now and we are already late with our preview’

And off they crawled, into the infernal blackness of the shallow mantle, with their precious orb safely tucked away in their three armed knapsack, desperate to find their way home.

‘Chaps’, Bond pointedly interjected, ‘whilst all that is jolly interesting and explains how you delinquent pair came to be so uncannily spot on with their predictions the previous week, it still does not provide any clarity as to where you may have lost your USB’. He sipped a sip further.

‘Oh’, said Carl, ‘quite right, well.....’ the other phone on Bob’s desk buzzed into life. Carl paused.

High pitched muffled profanity pervaded the proximity.

‘If you can just hang on there, Bond my old mucker, the Editor is on Bob’s phone giving us an earful about being late again with this week’s preview, you’ll have to bear with me’....

The Editor.  Known to have a short temper.

And so the great Carlton Bond, flipped back his watch lid, plumped up the silky goose down pillows, and trying not to disturb his delectable companion, Tatania Dobronetska, the KGB’s most insatiable handler, picked up the multi buttoned remote and watched a rerun of Britain’s got Talent as he waited for Carl to finish up with his preview.

Which is lucky for you.

So then, is it all just hokum? Have Bob and Carl spun a shaggy dog story, or shall we take another trip through the looking glass to see what we can see………

Game of the Week.

Royal with TD’s v The Hairy Frog Disco

Not the touchdown the Royals wanted.

After the results of last week, both teams still have the sceptics firmly on their backs. The Royale critics suggest they haven’t played anyone of any note yet, beating Swedes, Baptists and the winless Fear Factory, whilst losing to the Riggins boys in their only tough assignment to date. ‘We are not amused’ says the Royales to such jibes. The Hairies have been branded as ‘lucky’ thus far. Improbable scores from impossible areas have provided the Disco with a pair of 12 inch platforms from which to stand tall, and when they did fail to produce last week, it took a -2.32 score from the previously outstanding Cutler to give the Hairies another fortunate ‘W’. This match is set to decide who is for real in the quest to lose to Yoda come the Bowl game.

Royale have Rivers fit and healthy and firing on all cylinders, but this week the Chargers are up against a good Raider secondary which could restrict the Rivers flow. The Hairies usual starter Brady, is on a bye so they have reached into the waivers and plucked the Lions Shaun Hill. Hill will turn it over, but against the Rams and with Best not quite back to his, could score heavily and for a lot of yards in what could be a shootout in Motor City. - Edge : Royale

Both these sets of running backs have yet to hit top gear. Rice has been a big disappointment so far this season and after getting hurt last week is set to underwhelm again, Jackson although starting to show glimpses is not the force of yesteryear but this could be a return to ye olde days as he will get plenty of running room against the Lions and will also see a fair amount of action in the flat. The Frogs backfield is nothing short of a shambles at the moment. Aside from one big game from Turner, there has been little or no production thus far. If Turner can’t do it against the Browns then it could be a long season for the Hairies. Perm one from three of Wells, Hightower or Barber for zero production this week although Wells is now fit and bemoaned his lack of involvement in a quarterbackless Cardinals offence. Edge : Royale

As poor as the Disco’s backs are, the receivers have been pretty solid thus far. ‘85’ will benefit from the attention Owens will get following his 200+ yard performance last week and Nicks is set for another big game against a Buccaneers defence that can’t deal with the long threat. Driver or Mason will add another 10 points in this department. The trio employed by Royale have promise but have yet to fulfil it. Sims Walker was a flop last week but could go well against the hapless Bills, Henderson is one puppy of a large litter, so could get a bowl full or could get the scraps, although the Cards have conceded 40+ twice already this year. Clayton is tenacious and will get a few grabs in the Motor City shootout. Edge : Disco

With this duel between tight ends facing up in the same match, much will depend on how fit the Vikes Shiancoe is, and how much Moss has got to grips with the Vikings play book, although run fast and Brett will drop a bomb should be simple enough for Moss to comprehend. Keller continues to shine and should be good enough to edge this battle provided the Jets O line can keep the Vikes pass rush at bay in the Metrodome. Edge : Disco

The bye week hits the Disco again with their Pitts D taking a breather. Sharp action into the waiver pool sees the Disco take the Bears as a replacement however and their matchup up with the Panthers should yield a healthy bounty. After their own bye week drama, the Cowboys defence returns for Royale and with Vince Young’s scrambling propensities could gather a few sack points. Which CJ will turn up? If it’s the one from last year then it could get ugly for the Pokes who struggle against lightning quick runners. Edge : Disco

On the face of it, you would do well to back against a team that has its two highest scoring components missing, however the two replacements have excellent prospects this week albeit only this week. Royale are the lowest scoring 3 and 1 team, and have been outscored by the Disco by 100 points or thereabouts through four weeks. It will be closer than that but come the final scores, the Disco will still be dancing.

Verdict : Disco by 7

It’s a Lottery v Seventy Nine FC

Lloyd could struggle.

It was almost so good, it was almost the upset of the week, almost. The Lottery must be wondering what they have to do to win a game after posting a creditable 100 points again last week, but with Gotkowski cracking an unlikely 11 points they were undone once more, this time to the French Leader by a meagre two points. The Niners won again last week to move to an impressive 3 and 1, and although they sit third in the ultra competitive Division 3, could lay legitimate claim to be the best of the rest after Yoda.

Is this the week that the Lotterys numbers come up? Could be. Brees is set for a bumper harvest against an inept Cardinals outfit. Addai continues to impress for the Colts and new signing Tomlinson makes his debut for the winless Lottery, although don’t expect too much against a solid Vikes run defence. Miles Austin returns from his bye and the absence of a Dallas running game should ensure he gets a fair amount of attention. Don’t rely on Walter and Moore to post great numbers, but they should contribute.

Is this the week that it all catches up with the Seventy Niners? Could be. Manning, as ever, is a lock for 25 points, Best will replace Ellis in the backfield and could have a starring role in what promises to be a high scoring affair against the Rams, but then it gets a little thin. Sproles is the third back in the Chargers offence that Norv has said will feature Matthews more, and the receivers all have problems. Lloyd is up against the Ravens, Edwards will struggle against a tough Vikes D, and Fitz has nobody to throw him the ball.

This is it, you heard it here first. This is the week that the Lottery finally breaks their duck. Where they go from here who knows, but the matchups that face the Niners, combined with the Lottery’s continued benefit of the early waiver selection will see the Chairman’s boys home with the glory for the first time this year.

Verdict : Lottery by 10 (Did I really say that!)

Bryants Baptists v Ttttaylor

It's not going well for the Baptists.

The season starts here for both these teams after both dropped to losses last week, the Baptists not surprisingly to the juggernaut that is Yoda, but Ttttalyor went down in disappointing fashion to the previously winless and now jubilant Super Swedes. Who will get their season back on track?

The Baptists are in for a rough ride at QB as Sanchez will have to take evasive action regularly against a dominant Vikes pass rush. With Mendenhall on a bye, Forte and Jackson are left to carry the can. Forte should be okay against the Panthers once the Bears get ahead and start to control the clock. It will be more difficult for Jackson though as he is slated to share more time with Kuhn now in the Packers backfield. At wideout, Colston and Hester will contribute, but Floyd on food will struggle with too much put on his plate against a hungry Raiders secondary.

I just don’t get it. How come a team such as Ttttaylor, loaded with this much talent keeps messing things up. Even the trade that saw Tomlinson end up at the Lottery and Vick making his way to Ttttaylor has gone wrong, with Vick injuring himself on the same day as the trade was sanctioned. Go figure! As a result Flacco keeps his spot as Ttttaylors play caller and if ever he owed his Coach a performance, now is the time. With Boldin shadowed by Bailey, Flacco will have to show he has the vision to check down to options 2, 3 and 4 if Ttttaylor is to benefit. No 1 pick CJ will have to start living up to his billing or else it could turn out to be a bum pick sooner rather than later. Look for Cedric Benson to pound out the yards against the Buccs when the Bengals get ahead. Bryant will look to play a larger role in the Cowboys offence, but there are question marks about Jackson with Kolb back under centre.

The time has come for CJ to make a difference as he is set to gash an over aggressive Dallas D, combined with Bensons contribution this week, it should be enough to see Ttttaylor ttttopple the Bapttttistttts. Back to the chess board I am afraid for Bryants Boys in what is shaping up to be a trying time for the Bryant faithful.

Verdict : Ttttaylor by 7

The Bone Rocks v French Leader

Megatron.  One to start?

‘The Bone Rocks are who we thought they are’. Or are they? After two great wins to open up the season the last two games has seen them slump back into the pack. French Leader must have a rabbits foot or some gypsy heather stashed in his back pocket as they rival the Disco for the title of ‘most fortunate team’ after squeaking past the distraught Lottery by a brace of points and stealing victory from the Niners by less than a point. For 3 and 1 read 1 and 3 on another day, and then its a different season for the Leader, the leader, the leader of a big old gang.

The Boners start this week with Palmer, who has had an erratic start to the year, but will be more productive against a Buccs team that cannot defend the pass. Tolbert is set to get his fair share of carries in a Chargers game plan that is set once more to run against the Raiders, Gore will get his weekly donkey work again, but it’s looking like the Wembley bound 49ers will come to this beautiful isle on the back of a disastrous campaign and Gore is looking like the only fantasy relevant Niner this year. The ‘start of the week’ for week 5, Megatron will put up humungous, massive, monster numbers and Jennings will also be a seriously heavy point scorer for the Pack this week, but don’t expect much else.

Sacre Bleu!! Trois et une, c’est encroyable!! Or words to that effect. As usual expect Rodgers to lead the way as he destroys the Redskins. Fred Jackson will benefit from the Lynch trade, but it’s still just for Buffalo, how many times do I have to say it!!. McCoy is dinged up although will still start but expect him to play a limited role with Bell as his support cast. There is nothing doing in the French Leader receiving department. Boldin is to be limited against Bailey. Royal is to be limited against the Ravens. Maclin is to be limited due to Kolb. Limit your expectations French Fans.

This is tough one to call, the way things are going for the French, Lady Luck will see them through, however the Rodgers to Jennings combo could benefit the Rockers more than Leader and with Megatron set to light a fire under my chair this week. It’s the Boners for me!

Verdict : Bone by 3

Fear Factory v Tim Riggins Bench Warmers

Coach Botond, ashamed to show his face?

After losing out in probably the lowest scoring fantasy game of all time, can Coach Botond muster up the pluck to pick his troops up against fellow weekly losers Riggins to record their first win of the season? Riggins almost pulled of an improbable victory against the Disco and but for an implosion by Cutler and the injury to Johnson they would still be unbeaten and dreaming the impossible dream.

Good news, Roethlisberger is available. Bad news, he is on a bye this week. This Factory team is in need of a little TLC. Moss has gone to where the love is to help out the Vikes pass attack, and will in time be scoring well again, however it could be too late for the Factory by then. Maroney seems to have blown his big opportunity to become the starter at the Mile High, but Matthews matches up well against the Raiders. The Saints will be happy to see a rookie debutant over the other side of the scrimmage and will give Max Hall a rough time of it. The receivers don’t look too bad this week as Smith will be productive against the Texans and the other Moss brother should be in the thick of it this week. Needs to grab a tight end of the waiver wire as both options are on a bye! Things could be looking up.

After the heartbreak of last week, this is now where the rookie coach will earn his stripes. Portis is out. Cutler is out. Johnson is questionable, Ward is on a bye and Wayne is listed as probable. Jones comes in for Clinton, Manning comes in for Cutler and Roy E. Comes in for either of the wide outs should either not be able to go. Holmes, back in play after suspension will sit in the 3^rd WR spot and with these adjustments and the matchups the replacements have all should be good to go to get things back on track. But the way things stand at the time of going to press, the factory seem far more prepared at this current time.

On the basis that Riggins makes the expected adjustments, its time to really fear for the Factory.

Verdict : Riggins by 7

Super Swedes v Yoda From Wales

Swedes Coach Peter (in the red) celebrates last weeks win.

The solitary erroneous prediction last week, the Swedes overturned Ttttaylor to claim their first win of the season and the parties in Stockholm City centre went on well into the working week. Kopparbergs all round, pronounced Coach Peter. Yoda made mincemeat of the Baptists last week and for all intents and purposes look to have the makings of champions even at this early stage of the season and are so comfortable have even had time to rebrand the organizations logo. How did they do that? I want one!

A rested Romo leads the Swedes into this battle against the odds, and traditionally puts up strong numbers after the bye week. Mojo looks to have put his early season injury issue behind him and will score a bucketload against the Bills. Indy have had trouble stopping the run so may struggle to contain Charles and White will prove a handful for the Browns secondary as Matt Ryan’s favourite target. Hang on, it’s looking pretty good for the Swedes. Do we have an upset alert on our hands? If the Bengals D gets a handle on the Buccaneers offensive schemes, you know I think we just might have.

But hold on right there! This is Yoda, this is the team that averages 134 points per game, this is the team that is sitting pretty as the only remaining undefeated team, for goodness sakes, this is the team that has the force and is not afraid to use it. But Shaub and Foster face up against the G-Men D who made a mess of da Bears. Peterson is up against a pretty good Jets front line. Britt and Manningham have been non factors thus far, and number one receiver Marshall sits out this week and makes way for T.O. who got the popcorn out last week. Can he do the business two weeks on the spin, against the Bucs it’s possible. Gates will see less action than usual as the Bolts will run all day against the Raiders.

Get the doctor quick. I think I must have drunk too much sea water. Swedes to end Yoda’s perfect season and give hope to the rest of the League!

Verdict : Swedes by 10

And there we have it once again for this week. The crystal ball brought back from the centre of the earth predicts Wins for Hairy Frog Disco, It’s A lottery, Tim Riggins Bench Warmers, Ttttaylor, The Bone Rocks and Super Swedes. Riggins and Disco join Yoda with four wins, Lottery chalk up their first W, Bone and Swedes put their season back on track and I am afraid it’s more time in detention for the Factory.

As a result Bob & Carl are off down the bookies to place a slightly larger wager with official bookmaker Vasco De Gama who is currently offering the following odds on the eventual winner.

 Yoda from Wales 1/5

Tim Riggins Bench Warmers 4/1

The Hairy Frog Disco 4/1

The Bone Rocks 5/1

Seventy Nine FC 5/1

French Leader 5/1

Royal with TD’s 6/1

Ttttaylor 8/1

Super Swedes 12/1

Bryants Baptists 14/1

Its A Lottery 16/1

Fear Factory 33/1

Anyone wish to bet a couple of Carltons* on who might be the winner? (Please bet responsibly).

Good luck for the week 5 gentlemen.

CW & BB

* A Carlton is the imaginary currency of the CNFLE II. Each Coach starts with an credit account of 10 Carltons that they can use over the course of the season on hypothetical wagers without damaging the ‘real life’ finances unduly.

Double, double, toil and trouble.

Game Of The Week

The sweet smell of success.

Beware the leagues very own Cyrano de Bergerac.  Yes, French Leader were up to their old tricks again, this time with the Lottery as the object of their affections.  Seduced by promises of their first win of the season the French Leader squad spoke of  une nuit que vous n'oublierez jamais before allowing the 0-3 Lottery to head off to bed content with an 18pts lead.  But the Lotteries sleep was punctuated with nightmare scenarios.  They saw the Leaders kicker strike two early field goals to cut their lead to 12pts.  They saw Brady starting to find WR Welker with metronomic regularity.  The Patriots scored touchdowns, extra points were converted, the Lotteries lead was being eaten away point by precious point.  Somewhere deep inside the Lottery Head Coach knew this was all a dream.  That final hazy image of a scoreboard showing a defeat by 2.44pts, that wasn't real was it?   Alas for the forlorn Lottery it was all too real.  Every winless, bottom of their division moment of it.

Team Of The Week

Ouch.

Who better that to lift the Lotteries spirits than the Super Swedes. After experiencing their own dose of fantasy pain in week 3 the Swedes bounced back to secured their first win of the season. RB Jones-Drew finally put those pre-season injury doubts behind him and posted 27.10pts, the kind of return that had made him the Swedes no.1 pick. Whilst the rest of the squad put up less than spectacular numbers resulting in a modest total of 85.54 it was still enough to beat Ttttaylor.

This defeat for the pre-season favourites means they have yet to win a game all season (beating the Lottery doesn't count.) RB duo Benson and Hedges combined for a woeful 10.40pts despite favourable match ups. QB Flopo continues to disappoint as the revamped Ravens O fails to ignite.

The goods news for Ttttaylor saw the completion of the much heralded Vick trade. The bad news for Ttttaylor saw Vick leave Philly with wrist and rib injuries.

This Week Yoda From Wales Beats...

The Baptists fall.

How are battles decided?  You need men willing to give of their all.  You need strategy and belief in your cause.  But ultimately history tells us that great battles are decided by one thing.  Who has the biggest weapons. So when the league began to believe that the Superpower that is Yoda could be stopped, the master simply dialled TE Gates and told him to deliver.  Gates 29.40pts.  With plenty of credit left on his Jedi mobile a second call went into RB Foster.
“Play well this week you must.” said the little green one.
“But Coach, I missed a team meeting, I'm being benched for the first quarter.  I don't know if I can put up decent numbers....but I'll try.”
Yoda, calm and reflective, let the silence hang.  Then, firmly and purposfully, he told his young Texan, “Do or do not, there is no try.”
All of which led to RB Foster putting up 33.70pts in 3 quarters of football.  Yes it was Yoda's lowest total of the season thus far and no it didn't matter.
The Baptists fall to 1-3 and continue a worrying trend set by the Bones Rocks.  That trend is to make really poor coaching decisions, (RB Forte starts 3.30pts, Mendenhall sits 20.80pts) and to consequently play your worst football against the league best team.
Next week, Yoda form Wales will beat the Super Swedes.

Double, double, toil and trouble.

A shocking development.

Its a matter of public record that this reporter believes all is not as it would seem in the funky town that is the Hairy Frog Disco.  Their luck was in yet again when Rooks no 1 pick WR Johnson was listed inactive in a game time decision.  Try as he might the Rookie couldn't find space on his roster to draft a late replacement from the wire despite the fact Bunk was available.  Trailing by nearly 50pts by the end of the early matches the Rook had effectively thrown the game.  Step forward the Chargers D.  The Chargers struck like lightening with an astonishing NFL league season high of 9 sacks.  A record that would stand for nearly 5 hours.  As both Coaches awaited the late game the Bench Warmers had somehow turned a 50pts deficit into a 18pts lead.  With QB Culter about to take the field in the Medowlands it would take an almighty stroke of luck to turn this one around.
Meanwhile, down in the Hairy Frogs swamp, unbeknown to the Disco Head Coach, I had installed CCTV surveillance equipment.  The shocking images streamed live to my lap top showed the Head Coach ripping off the toe of his defensive coordinator and handing it to one of three witches.  Click play to view the footage for yourself.  Apologies for the poor audio and visual quality.  Viewer discretion is advised.

With the spell cast Culter was sacked 9 times, tossed up an interception and gave up a fumble.  He ended the night concussed for a total of minus 2.32pts.
The Disco may have moved to 3-1 but they've a whole load of karma heading their way after this underhand victory.

 Not Coca-Cola.

Last week saw Tttataylor introduce the infamous 'no D' strategy and it would appear that strategy is catching on. But the Bones Rocks came over all Pesi in their attempts to emulate the league leading 'no D' brand. Leaving his Titans defence on the bench to collect a commendable 18pts, the Rocks went on to lose this one by 16.46pts dropping the Rocks to 2-2. Of his starters WR Johnson hit the 20.80pts mark and Matt Ryan is proving a solid fantasy QB with an acceptable return of 14.42pts. The Rocks losing streak now stands at 2 and a promising start to the season has been blighted by some poor decisions.

Ofcourse 79FC don't need reminding that but for a paltry 0.64pts they would now be 4-0 and still chasing the dream of a perfect season. Manning hurled the pigskin for a zillion yards and 26.98pts as the Colts went down to a surprise defeat at the hands of the Jags and in a high scoring week for tight ends Miller went for 21.20pts. Week 5 sees 79 against the hapless Lottery as they continue their quest to top the leagues toughest division.

The Contractual Obligation Game

Jim Marrs promises to cover every game.

The Fear Factory and Royale with Tds combined to serve up a drab affair that leaves the Factory winless and the Royales a flattering 3-1.  The Royals kept their opponents at arms length throughout this match up with RB Bradshaw the surprise star with 21.30pts.  The Factory will be having strong words this morning with no.1 pick WR Moss who during New England's 41 - 14 rout of Miami managed 0 catches for 0 yards and 0pts.

 Bench Of The Week

 The Bone Rocks take this one for the second week in a row leaving an astonishing 69.24pts just sitting there.

 Good Call Of The Week

French leader persisted with RB Leonard McCoy and was rewarded with a game winning 18.40pts.

Bad Call Of The Week

He's human after all!  Yoda sits WR Owens who promptly delivered a 33.20pts haul.  It mattered not.

All of which brings us onto the lastest odds from...

Vasco De Gama CNFLE II official bookmaker.

Yoda from Wales 1/5

Seventy Nine FC 3/1

The Hairy Frog Disco 4/1

French Leader 4/1

Royale with TD’s 5/1

Tim Riggins Bench Warmers 6/1

The Bone Rocks 8/1

Ttttaylor 8/1

Bryants Baptists 10/1

Super Swedes 14/1

Its A Lottery 18/1

Fear Factory 20/1

So week 4 is well and truely in the bag.  But don't despair as fans favourites Carl and Bob will be back Thursday, Friday or Saturday, (USB permitting) with their perceptive take on the Week 5 match-ups.

Its pays to back up your USB once in a while...aaarghh! Week 4 Preview.

Having spent the past two days avoiding the Editors pointed questions and skulking around the darkened corridors of Tribune Towers, Carl and Bob have finally had to admit to all and sundry that their initial draft of this week’s preview has unfortunately been lost to the ether. 

Carltongate.

The full ramifications of the loss of the official CNFLE II USB stick have yet to be realised, but with such sensitive information contained there within, state secrets, confidential memos and the like it is quite conceivable that the fallout yet to come could end somewhere in the region of ‘Watergate’ proportions. Having spent the past two days searching high and lo, it is with red faces that our duo have finally had to admit defeat, put a fresh sheet in the typewriter to submit this truncated Week 4 preview.  Gutted.

Game of the Week

The Hairy Frog Disco v Tim Riggins Bench Warmers

Riggins to remain unbeaten?  It's no laughing matter.

At the commencement of the season, if you would have told us that the Bench Warmers, would be hosting the Disco trying to maintain their unbeaten start to the season, then we would have belly laughed you out of the restaurant, claiming that you had ‘had a few drops of the old vino tinto too many dear fellow’. But that is indeed where we are, and the fact that the Disco have also impressed thus far, albeit luckily in the opinion of some, and the fact that Riggins Coach Stringer has fallen from the Wilson Coaching tree in a Mangini / Belechick or Payton / Parcells kind of scenario makes this game even more of a stand out fixture.

Jay Cutler has been scoring points for fun as Chicago have made an impressive start to the year, however last week against a good D he wasn’t quite as productive, This week he is up against the Giants, who aren’t all that so Cutler should go well. Brady is on the same pace as his 50 TD season. He won’t end up with that many this time, but always does well against Miami. Nothing to choose between these two this week. 

Edge : Riggins

With Thomas Jones on a bye week, Riggins will hand the keys to the Bench warmers backfield engine to the novice, CJ Spiller. We understand Buffalo will give him more touches, but its Buffalo we are talking about and 20 touches at 2.5 yards average yards and no TD’s, still doesn’t amount to much. Portis will rumble on all day against the Eagles if healthy, but that game is all about McNabb, so see the passing game feature heavily. For the Disco, Turner seems to be fully fit again and should be good for his regular solid performance against a shaky San Fran rush defence in the Georgia Dome. Beanie Wells showed last week that his meniscus is fully repaired and is the feature back in the desert, his involvement in the Arizona offence will grow at the expense of Hightowers production.  

Edge : Disco

In the wide areas, Riggins strength in the receiving department is under close scrutiny this week as Houston’s Andre Johnson is listed as questionable. Johnson absence would have a massive impact on the Bench Warmers receiving production. Wayne will score well against an average Jacksonville secondary, and Hines Ward will hope that Charlie Batch can reproduce last week’s performance against the Ravens, but we think that’s unlikely. The Disco, after flirting with Denver’s Demaryius Thomas, re-instate Donald Driver into the centre of a solid looking trio. All have good matchups, ‘85’ is up against the Browns, Driver fights his old foe the Lions and Nicks will be in a shootout against the Bears in the Meadowlands. If Johnson is good to go it makes this matchup close, if not then the Disco will dominate. 

Edge : Disco

Are there any hotter tight ends in the game than the two facing up against each other this week? Disco’s patience with ‘Tom’ Celek and the ‘Vick factor’ has expired and with Keller exploding into life this season as Franchise Sanchez’ favourite target, makes his season debut. Gonzo had a monster game against the ‘they are who we thought they are’ ‘Aints and will attract more attention in defensive schemes as a result. Gonzo does however benefit from the better offensive package, but Keller is up against the Bills. 

Edge : Disco

Riggins wait to see who can fill in this week for Longwell, who is on a bye. The Chargers have been steady points thus far and play the error strewn Cards. The Disco Pittsburgh D has been stepping up to the plate each of the three weeks played thus far and will look to do so again in a divisional battle against the Ravens. Despite the hype, the Ravens have struggled against good defences, and this Pittsburgh D is a just that. Vinatieri will be Mr. consistent again. 

Edge :  Disco

Despite the Rookies excellent start to the season, the Disco have outscored them in each of the first three weeks, in fact the Disco’s lowest weekly score is still higher than the Bench warmers highest. Belechick wins, and not by videotaping the opposition.
 Verdict : Disco by 10

Its A Lottery v French Leader

Possible upset special?

By all rights, this should be a no contest, all sensible projections suggest this should be a straightforward victory for the flamboyant Gallic coach, and with the Lottery riddled with bye week absentees including their no.1 wide out Miles Austin, if this were a boxing match it would never have been sanctioned by the WBO or WBA, (maybe the IBF would have, but then they have few scruples), as to let a gimpy, half blind octogenarian into the ring with Mike Tyson in his pomp would not have made much of a spectacle. Euthanasia yes, spectacle no. But hang on there. This half blind, gimpy octogenarian just might have a shot.

Brees could score a hatful, Hillis is the sum total of the Browns offence, Addai is featuring more than usual in the rebooted Indy offence and the all new Lottery receiving corps have favourable matchups. Picking up the form players on the waiver wire has been a great success for the Lottery. If everything goes as it could the Lottery could be upsetting the form book and then readers, we are definitely through the looking glass....

French Leader dispatched Fear factory easily last week and not much was made of that performance as it much to be expected, however the manner of victory suggested that this team is heading in the right direction. In the tightest of all divisions, the Frenchies sole defeat came against the Disco, with points left on the bench. Rodgers and McFadden will score heavily this week, but can McCoy get enough purchase against a resolute Redskins D? Is Williams a better matchup? Boldin is up against a proper defense this week and if one of the top two fails to produce then it’s difficult to see where the points might come from.

Only a fool would back against the French on recent form, but don’t be surprised if the Lottery run the French close. Possible upset special alert. Woo woo woo!!!

Verdict : Leader by 6

Bryant’s Baptists v Yoda From Wales

Baptists to inflect Yoda's first wound?

Yoda wins again, what’s left to say? However scratch the surface and doesn’t the little green master bleed like the rest of us?

The Baptist’s bench McNabb this week in favour of Jets QB, franchise Sanchez, the matchup against the hapless Bills proving too good to resist. Forte and Green is a pairing that could go either way with LT ‘Mcnabbing’ the Jets starting job from Green in the Big Apple and Forte part of a pass first offence. The value of Carolina’s Steve Smith is decreasing weekly with the teams quarterback issues still not resolved. Finley will go well, however it doesn’t bode well for the Baptists as they will be relying on TE Finley to grab enough points though to see the Baptists triumph.

Stop the press however, AP is on a bye week, Yoda’s talisman is unavailable. Is this the week that the myth is shattered? No. Despite AP’s absence, Yoda still fields a strong looking line up. Shaub will continue his production, as will Arian Foster for the Texans. Indy’s Collie will attract more defensive attention after back to back performances but has solidified his status as Manning’s No.2 wide receiving target after Wayne. Look for Brandon Marshall to put up big, big numbers this week as his relationship with Chad Henne blossoms against a poor Patriots secondary.

Although AP is not available it is difficult to see how the Baptists can upset the formbook with the matchups on offer. That is not to say it can’t happen, but the Baptists have flattered to deceive so far this season. Yoda to remain perfect.

Verdict : Yoda by 10

The Bone Rocks v Seventy Nine FC

The Rocks to take another beating?

As my colleague David Marrs correctly pointed out in the week 3 review, after the victory against the previously unbeaten Disco, the Niners would be 3 and oh but for a 0.64 of a point conceded to the French. The Bone were very harshly put in their place last week by a rampant Yoda. Can they put their season back on track or will they fall further behind the diminutive green sorcerer.

Good matchups give Bone hope this week, Ryan will control the game for the Falcons against the 49ers, we understand Gore will see more of the ball with the new offensive co-ordinator and Jennings and Megatron will bounce back and face off against each other at Lambeau. Bone coach Lars has released the 49ers D with a heavy heart and replaced them with a Titans squad that should scare the living daylights out of Kyle Orton and his Denver compatriots.

Buoyed by last weeks victory, Coach Martin will look to Peyton Manning again to lead his team to victory. Best has produced big totals early this season, but if the Pack gets too far ahead early he may not see enough of the ball. The peril of have a Lions running back! Smart dealings brought in BJGE from the Pats, and he has been installed as the unquestioned starter in New England. Last weeks hero Dexter McCluster has been dropped back into the waiver pool and Braylon Edwards and Brandon Lloyd come in as replacements following good performances last week.

Despite the good start to the season, the consistency of the Seventy Niners and the ability to be able to pick a winning waiver should be enough to set the Bone rocking, back and forth that is.

Verdict : Niners by 10

Fear factory v Royale with TD’s

Head Coach Botond.

Fear when channelled properly can give a tenacious competitor the edge, if it becomes all pervading then it’s a journey down the slow road to ‘loserville’. Currently that is exactly where the Factory’s fear is taking them. Royale on the other hand have bounced back following defeat on the opening day to record two straight if unspectacular victories and sit tantalisingly behind Riggins in second place in Division 1. Can Factory find the road to redemption, or will Royale become a silent but deadly foe?

Having consigned Grandad Brett to the waivers, Josh Freeman has gone the same way as the Factory start QB no.3 and the Raider’s Gradkowski gets the nod. Maroney and Matthews look a little lightweight in the backfield, but on the plus side the receiving corps looks like it could provide a decent return. Factory bring in the Pats rookie Tight End Aaron Hernandez, who is set to become a staple part of the Brady bunch.

Royale’s understated start has been reflected in the running back department, where both Rice and Jackson have yet to deliver. This is the game that will change that for Jackson as he runs amock against the Seahawks. Rice though will have to wait. Rivers will go well against the Cards. In the receiving department Royale look a little thin. Sims Walker has yet to shine and could struggle against a proficient Indy D, Henderson is one of many hungry birds in the nest and although Bradford is improving, it is feared that he won’t produce consistently enough to get Clayton the ball all the time.

More Fear for the Factory, as they vie with the Lottery for next years No.1 pick. Royale to keep going steady away and join Riggins at 3&1

Verdict : Royale by 14

Super Swedes v Ttttaylor

Head Coach P give his team the thumbs up.

More woe last week for the Scandinavian maestro led to an unusually candid outburst ‘I hate this game’ bemoaned Coach Peter.  Ttttaylor finally found some form and showed the league why they were slated as pre season favourites by beating the Lottery even without a defence.

With Romo and Charles on bye weeks, the Swedes bring in Hasselbeck and Justin Forsett who will face off against the improving Rams. MJD has yet to shine but will see a lot of the ball against Indy and is a good match for their front line. Look for a good return from the pocket rocket. Roddy White will anchor the Swedes receiving output, but Evans and Crabtree have been disappointing thus far and will need to step up if the Swedes are to become super. The Bengals will grab a fair score against the Browns this week.

Will the real Ttttaylor please sttttand up? Just as pundits were scratching their trilbyed heads following the opening two games defeats for Ttttaylor, the absence of a defence suggested that focus may be an issue for the pres season favourites. ‘Too many late nights?’ the paps offered as a rationale for the lacklustre performance. Rumours that Michael Vick and Plaxico Burress had been seen with Coach J shooting at the moon surfaced and there was apparently unrest in the Ttttaylor camp. But all that went out of the window with their victory against Lottery. They’re back and with Johnson and Benson set to run all over the Broncos and Browns, who will care if Flacco has another flop? Jackson and Knox are the deep ball speedsters who will bag a touchdown each and Dallas Clark will be in the Indy game from start to finish.

More misery for the Swedes, as Ttttaylors tttteam tttturns the corner and joins the Rock at ttt2 and ttt2 and on the hunt for the galloping green goblin.  

Verdict : Ttttaylor by ttt10

And there we have it once again for this week. The crystal ball (more of that to come once the USB can be located) brought back from the centre of the earth predicts Wins for Hairy Frog Disco, French Leader, Yoda, Royale, Ttttaylor and Seventy Nine FC. Yoda will remain perfect, there will still be a three way tie in Division 3, and I am afraid more work is required at the drawing boards purchased recently by the Swedes, Lottery and the Factory.

As a result Bob & Carl are off down the bookies to place a small wager with official bookmaker Vasco De Gama who is currently offering the following odds on the eventual winner.

Yoda from Wales 1/5

Seventy Nine FC 4/1

The Hairy Frog Disco 4/1

French Leader 4/1

Tim Riggins Bench Warmers 5/1

Royale with TD’s 5/1

The Bone Rocks 8/1

Ttttaylor 8/1

Bryants Baptists 10/1

Super Swedes 16/1

Its A Lottery 16/1

Fear Factory 20/1

Anyone wish to bet a couple of Carltons* on who might be the winner? (Please bet responsibly).

Good luck for week 4 gentlemen.

CW & BB

* A Carlton is the imaginary currency of the CNFLE II. Each Coach starts with an credit account of 10 Carltons that they can use over the course of the season on hypothetical wagers without damaging the ‘real life’ finances unduly.

Week 3 Review - Heartbroken

Game Of The Week, Team Of The Week and Rookie Watch!

Why?  Why? Why?

The Super Swedes refused to hold a press conference this week preferring to busy themselves with trades and free agency grabs.  Sitting bottom of the league's weakest division and taking on the undefeated Rook the Swedes Bengals D set the early pace, at one stage breaking the 30pts mark before ending the day on a healthy 20pts.  Romo spent the afternoon firing TD bombs to the Rook's very own WR Williams who caught everyone one of them whilst warming the Riggins bench.  RB Charles contributed 15.40pts, WR White chipped in with 12.90pts.  This one had the look of an upset special.  'I love this game!' cried the Swedes Head Coach.
Over in New Orleans TE Gonzalez, tipped by Carl and Bob in the week 3 preview for a big game, (“look for Gonzo to come to the party in the Big Easy this week as the Falcons have to chase the game late on,”) caught his first reception.  And then he caught another one.  And another.  And then one for a TD before ending the game with 20pts.  Spooky.  The Rook's Chargers D put up 15pts and RB Jones just missed out on the 100yrd bonus but still managed 15.60pts.  By the end of the Sunday night games the Bench Warmers trailed by 15.56pts with only QB Culter remaining.  That'll be the same Culter who posted 28.08pts in week 1 and followed that up with 29.38pts in week 2.  'I'm not sure I love this game anymore.' whispered the Swedes anxious Head Coach.
Ye of little faith Coach.  The Packers D rips into Cutler like Royal with TD's ripping into their  favourite cheeseburgers.  Down goes the Bears QB, once, twice, three times a lady.  Dazed and confused Cutler tosses up an interception!  It's the Cutler 09 version.  At this rate he's gonna be lucky to hit double digits.  On the other side of the ball Rogers is eating up the clock with 7 and 8 minutes drives, a master of his art, the  Davinci of quarterbacks.  Who cares if the field is being showered by cheese coloured flags, this one is going the way of the Swedes.  At the end of the half, Super at last, the Swedes hold a comfortable 20pts lead.
The Bears would have to work on some major adjustments to save this one.
Oh no.  They did.
Cutler is moving the ball.  It's dinky dunky football.  A few yards here and few yards there.  Then Cutler hits Johnny Knox for a 35-yard completion.  The Swedes lead is down to 4.20pts with a quarter of football still remaining.  If you listened carefully enough, beneath the roar of an expectant Soldier Field you could hear the sound of Swedish hearts breaking.  On the Bears last drive of the game Cutler, with just 2.20 on the clock passes deep middle to  TE Olsen for a 21yrd gain.  For the first time over the course of the whole weekend the Rook takes the lead.  There is nothing the Swedes can do but pray.  Pray for a Cutler interception.  Pray hard for a Cutler interception.
1.21 left on the clock.  Cutler passes deep right...INTERCEPTION!  The Swedes lead!  The Super Duper Swedes Lead!  No.  Wait.  What's this?  A cheese coloured flag lies at the spot of the interception and the call is...the call is...pass interference!  The Bears retain possession.  Why would the game you love do this to you?  Why?  Why? Why?  The Bears run the ball for next three plays and kick the winning field goal.  The Swedes lose the match up by 0.98.  Another Carlton NFL Euro II heart is broken.  When asked to comment the Swede would only reply, 'I hate this game.'
The Super Swedes 0-3.  The Rook 3-0.  Go figure.

"Offense sells tickets, defense wins championships" - Coach Paul 'Bear' Bryant 

Bear Bryant - Turns out he was wrong.

Those of you with a working knowledge of NFL history will know that the Dolphins perfect season beat up on many a team with there 'no-name defence.'  Ttttaylor went one better than this with his 'no defence.'  Now I come from the old school of 'don't give it if you can take it,' I'm all for running up the score on a bedraggled opponent but to take the field without a D takes a big old pair of brass cercopithecoids.  But that's exactly what Ttttaylor did against the winless Lottery in this week 3 match up.  After the Sunday night games Ttttaylor had contributions from QB Flacco 28.08pts, RB Benson 21pts, RB Johnson 27.50 and WR Jackson 25.10.  Despite this the Lottery only trailed by 30.08 with one roll of their fantasy dice left and in the very definition of irony that dice roll was the Packers D.  It would take an almighty performance in a match up against the Bears that many predicted would be a shoot out.  But the Steelers D had scored 35pts in week 2, the precedent had been set.  It was now up to the Packers to take Ttttaylor's arrogance and dismantle it fumble by fumble, interception by interception, defensive touchdown by defensive touchdown. 
The Packers D rips into Cutler like Royal with TD's ripping into their  favourite cheeseburgers.  Down goes the Bears QB, once, twice, three times a lady.  Wait a minute.  You know this already.  Interception.  Pass interference.  The Packers lose.  The Lottery lose.  No.  They don't just lose.  They go down to the most humiliating defeat in Carlton NFL Euro history.  The Lottery, so named because their odds of winning a game are 40,000,000 to 1.

 

Unlucky.

Manning fakes the hand off before hurling another TD pass.

So it turns out that the Disco are who we thought they where as they reached for their Lucky Strike cigarettes and found the pack empty.  It didn't start well for the Disco Head Coach as he had to walk under a ladder to avoid a black cat crossing his path on the way to the ground.  Before kick off WR Ochocinco walked into the teams meeting room with his umbrella still aloft.  WR Nicks shattered the changing room mirror in a fit of anger at the half and WR Thomas was just bad.  
79FC don't need reminding that except for those pesky 0.64pts they would now be 3-0 and chasing the dream of a perfect season.  As it is they're 2-1 and tied atop division 3.  Despite being labeled a one trick pony by the entire league (Manning, a zillion yards, 33.90pts)   79FC have a assembled a squad that puts up solid points behind their star QB.  Both Coaches left plenty of points on the bench but the 79FC even won this match-up 44.52pts to 44.30pts.  Head Coach M's team broke the 100pts mark for the third time this season and will repeat the feat Manning more times before the season is done.  

This Week Yoda From Wales Beats...

The Bone Rocks.  Crushed.

In our new regular feature “This Week Yoda From Wales beats...”  it was the turn of The Rocks to be spanked, ridiculed and generally crushed.  RB Peterson 34.00pts, WR Collie 32.10pts, WR Marshall 25.90pts and TE Gates 19.90pts.  Yoda's total of 153.34 is a league high.  It's a total that only one team has a realistic chance of beating and that team is Yoda from Wales.  However, before you all pack up your pads and admit defeat for the season bear in mind that next week the byes begin, next week Peterson will not be running all day.  Yes Yoda looks unbeatable, unstoppable and any other word you want to put 'un' in front of but this reporter calls on the rest of the league not to give up hope, for hope is the dream of a soul awake.
The Bone Rocks need not be ashamed of losing to Yoda but the footballing Gods will be pointing a big old finger straight at Head Coach Lars who appeared to out think himself with some down right bizarre team selections.  Still, when one of those footballing Gods is our very own Yoda From Wales what can ya do?

Viva La Revolution

French Leader storms the Factory.

French Leader moved to 2-1 with a comfortable win over league whipping boys the Fear Factory.  The Factory shuffled their pack in attempt to break a 0-2 start but they end the game with 0-3 record and the worst ranking in the league.  Yes it was an improved performance but that's a bit like saying being 50 thousand pounds in debt in better than being 55 pounds in debt.  Whatever way you look at it your still in a whole heap of trouble.  Could the Factory  be the first team to post winless season in Carlton NFL Euro history?
French Leader continue their solid early season form.  After failing to feast upon the Hairy Frogs in Week 2 the Factory proved far more appetizing dish.  RB McFadden looks a real find and will post points all season long despite being part of a yet another poor Raiders outfit.  WR Maclin benefited from Vick's promotion to starting QB.  In fact pretty much everyone has benefited from Vick's presence in Philadelphia.  Everyone except Philadelphia's dog owners.

The Big Yawn.

A lack of atmosphere at Baptist v Royale

The Royale with TD's extend their winning streak to 2 with this drab win against the Baptists.  Both teams failed to break the 100pts mark.  The Eagles D was the highlight for the Baptists with 25pts and QB Rivers the highlight for the Royales with 33.40pts.  Nothing else of note to report.  Royale will be pleased with the win, question marks are starting to gather around the Baptists.

Highest Scoring Bench Of The Week

 

   
So you're playing the best team in the league and yet you leave 63.92pts on the bench!  The Bone Rocks...coulda, woulda, shoulda.

Good Call Of The Week

WR McCluster.  Who?  This little known Scotsman was drafted in by 79FC and by the time the Disco coaching staff had stopped laughing Maccy C had posted 12.80pts in a game won by 11.02pts.  No McCluster, no W.

Bad Call Of The Week

Disco Head Coach C was heard complaining of problems with his tight end.  Celek started and posted 4.20pts.  Keller sat on the bench and kept a match winning 21.80pts all to himself.  It's gotta hurt.

Latest odds from Vasco De Gama CNFLE II official bookmaker.

Yoda from Wales                     2/10

Tim Riggins Bench Warmers     3/1

Ttttaylor                                   4/1                                                         

The Hairy Frog Disco               7/1

French Leader                          7/1

Seventy Nine FC                      7/1

Royal with TD’s                        8/1

The Bone Rocks                       8/1                                                      

Bryants Baptists                        7/1

Super Swedes                         12/1

Fear Factory                           20/1

Its A Lottery                           40,000,000/1                                                      

And with that Week 3 is in the bag. Be sure to call by on Saturday when Carl and Bob will post their unique and insightful Week 4 bye week special.

Carl and Bob.  Clearly psychic.

Say a prayer for the winless.

David Marrs.