Sunday 19 December 2010

The Final Four



‘It’s a chair’ announced Bob.

‘Very good, so it is’ queried Carl, casting an eye over the wonky rocker created by the former journo in wood shop for rehabilitation class at the Merseyside State Penitentiary, ‘so it is.’

A warden crossed the classroom floor and confronted the duo. He winked a sly wink.

Bob looked at Carl, Carl looked back. Concerned they were. Indeed. Very.

‘Hold fast there’ exclaimed a shocked Bob, ‘we will have none of that lark if you don’t mind’.

The warden’s face dropped, ‘he whisked off his wardens cap, tugged off his false ‘tache, ‘no, no no you misunderstand. It is I, Bond’ and so it was at that. A master of disguise.

The two cherubic faces of our literary brace beamed like small children up the eve of Christmas morn, they were that happy....

‘I have come to rescue you’ said the undercover espionage ace. ‘Come on we have no time to lose’.

The trio nonchalantly left the wood shop, and then bolted at break neck speed to a corner of the exercise ground.

‘Huddle in’ demanded Bond ‘and stand on this piece of ground here.’

They all crowded together, Bond extracted a small pen like gadget from his top pocket and pressed the end firmly downward.

A secret underground escape spring burst into life, violently catapulting the boys over the perimeter security fencing and out of Merseyside altogether. They were free. Free I tell ya.. free!!

Back in the Halls of Justice, the Right Honourable Judge Julius Peppers agreed to meet with the gigantic head of the underground state of Babylonia, the King and I (Ed). ‘Most irregular’ said Judge JP, ‘most irregular’.

‘You say there has been a misunderstanding’, he continued ‘and a most heinous miscarriage of justice has been perpetrated?’

We nodded in tandem.

‘Well you’d better tell me all about it, I reckon’, the judge settled back into his beautifully crafted leather bound shaker style rocking chair and pinned back his ears.

Tatania and her shadowy father Lord Ladbrokes, sat in a disreputable bar in the Capital’s west End and continued drinking only the finest Gran Cru into the wee small hours, way too smug they were, way too smug indeed as they watched the pre game preview for the CNFLE II Playoffs.

‘Who is your money on?’ enquired Tatania. They both roared with a laughter so vile it made the olives shrivel at the bar.

Yoda From Wales (3) @ Seventy Nine FC (2)

Yoda alongside his offensive and defensive coaches.


A rematch from the Final week of the season, and a chance for Yoda make amends for the previous performance. Shocking.

Yoda reinstates Shaub at the QB #1 slot after his return to form last week and will put up big numbers against a Titans defence that is shot, Peterson will need to have a big day this time round against a Chicago D licking its wounds after failing to impress last week. Yoda brings back Marshall to lead a wide out corps that has done little to impress in recent weeks. For the record, Yoda has won only one out of the last five games, and despite being the League’s highest scorers must be a little concerned with that form heading into the playoffs.
Manning has led the Niners all the way, when he plays big so do they, and this week is no different. He squares off against a decent Jaguars outfit so may find the going tough. But will post 25+ points again. Blount has been a tremendous find for the Niners backfield and will lend support to Manning, as will Ellis as the Pats close down the game already won against the Rodger-less Pack. Tebow starts for the Broncos which will damage the efficiency of Brandon Lloyd, although some attribute his recent form to the loss of his favourite receiving gloves after the Wembley game. Manningham’s value is also lost with Nicks back in the Big Apple.

Despite the result last week, there are too many questions about the Niners matchups this week, and in spite of Yodas woeful recent form, his policy of playing a full complement of players this week will see them through to the Carlton Bowl II.

Verdict : Yoda by 10.

Ttttaylor (4) @ Tim Riggins Bench Warmers (1)

Could a hightower be the difference?


Wow! Both these teams pulled the cat out of the bag last week. Ttttaylor making it into the playoffs thanks to the last gasp win by Riggins. Will Ttttaylor say thanks to Riggins by laying down this week for the #1 seeds or will they continue their recent good form that saw them win five of the last six to squeak into the final playoff spot. What more can be said about a Riggins team that despite having the third lowest points total continues to win games by hook or by crook.

Ttttaylor will rely on Vick to be there again this week in the Eagles key divisional matchup against the Giants. Stewart has become the primary back in the Carolina offensive schemes again and C- Johnson’s outlook has improved now Britt is a threat in Tennessee. D-Jack, Williams and Wallace all could score well in pass first offenses. Points are coming from everywhere today for the bookies pre season favourites. Watch out for fireworks!

Riggins have already missed a trick in leaving the Chargers D on the bench again. Cutler will be productive against a Vikes D looking forward to the off season, and we must assume that Hightower will be coming in for an ineffective Reggie Bush to add a bit of a punch to the BW’s running back department. The Riggins strength though has always been at wide receiver, and although we don’t expect a 30 point game from both it could prove to be a stellar performance from either Wayne or Johnson is enough. Johnson goes up against the Titans and will want to prove a point after his ejection the other week. Wayne matches up against the Jags and for once the Colts season is still up for grabs in week 15.

Rip up the form book, if this was a fight it would be a heavy weight against a bantam, with Ttttaylor being the heavy lugger. Despite the win, loss records, there is no way that Riggins should win this one, but where have we heard that before? Whatever Ttttaylor scores it is conceivable that Riggins will score 1 point more.

Verdict : Ttttaylor by 30 or Riggins by 1

‘Fat strippers?’ mused the Right Hon Judge Julius Peppers. ‘I see the problem here’.

Good luck for week 15 to all four remaining Coaches.

















The quickening it surrounds me..... there can be only one!!

Ribena.

Ed


Tuesday 14 December 2010

How They Fell.

How They Fell.


The Vikings roof was the first to go.


Lottery v Royale With TD's.

The bookies dark horse.


With five wins on the spin Royale with TD's entered the final week of the regular season as the leagues form team. A win against the hapless Lottery and a Yoda or Bone Rocks loss would see the Royales claim a much deserved playoff spot. With Yoda struggling and the Rocks up against the number one ranked Bench Warmers it looked promising as long as they took care of business. But in the biggest game of the season, they blew it, they ran out of stream, they chocked. The Royale's three WR's combined for a mere 6pts and a team total of 83.84pts (their third lowest total of the season) all added up to a sad farewell for the bookies dark horse.


The Hairy Frog Disco v The Super Swedes.

The Disco.  Still dancing?

Both teams entered this match up needing a W to keep their outside chances of a playoff berth alive. The series of events that would lead to a seeing the Disco in the playoffs were akin to the chaos theory with a butterfly needing to flap it's wings in Minnesota to get things started. As it turned out a butterfly did indeed flap its wings in Minnesota triggering a series of events that lead to the Metrodome's roof collapsing throwing many fantasy teams into disarray. With all that snow on the ground you would have thought that the Swedes would have felt most at home but the Disco hit their stride early with an avalanche points. For the Swedes it was an all to familiar tale, poor start, good middle, poor finale. The Disco's win along with the Royale's and Swedes loss meant that the chance of playoff chaos lived for the Hairy Frogs.

Yoda v 79FC.

Peterson.  Did he run all day?


Yoda had to win this one to make the Disco's efforts valid. Yoda trailed by 30 going into the rearranged Vikings game but with RB Peterson, WR Rice and RB Foster all playing Monday night the miracle for the Disco still looked on. But the Vikings where woeful. RB Peterson rushed for just 26yrs! WR Rice, still finding his game legs after a long lay off, posted 6.00pts. Later that night RB Foster contributed a respectable 15.50pts but Yodas total of 83.98pts was a season low and handed 79FC the win, the Division 3 title and a playoff berth. The Disco joined Royale and the Swedes in the land of woulda, coulda, shoulda.

French Leader v Tttaylor.

The Vick trade.  No-one said a word.



Another match up in which both teams needed the W to keep their season alive as they entered the game with identical records. Early in the Green Bay game QB Rogers took a vicious hit to the head and was out for the game and with it went the French Leader hopes of glory. Tttaylors Philly combo of QB Vick and WR Jackson combined for a total of 59pts as Tttaylor recorded a season high 153.40pts when it mattered most. But Tttaylor's route to the playoffs was almost as convoluted as the Discos. They had to beat French Leader. Check. The Super Swedes would have to lose. Check. 79FC would have to win their division. Check. The Bone Rocks would have to lose. Hmmm. So how were the Bone Rocks getting on?


The Bone Rocks v Bench Warmers.

Would the Bench Warmers turn up?


The Rocks had held a playoff berth for the last four weeks. A win against the Bench Warmers would see the Rocks home as Divisional champs. Even a defeat with a points total of 132.63pts by would be fine. But this was not to be a high scoring affair. The Bench Warmers, safe in the knowledge that they would enter they playoffs as the number 1 ranked team simply failed to turn up. By the end of the Sunday night games they had posted a lamentable 60.28pts. The Rocks entire team had played, they lead by 28.60pts and the only roll of the dice for the Bench Warmers was a gimpy Andre Johnson. 
As the 2nd quarter came to a close QB Schaub fired deep to WR Johnson for a 46yd TD that cut into the Rocks lead. WR Johnson continued to chisel away at the Rocks throughout the 3rd and 4th quarter and then, with the Rocks 29 seconds away from the playoffs, this happened.





You'll be a lucky man to go through this life without having your heart broken at some stage, but to have it ripped from your chest and then shredded into a thousand pieces of raw, soulless flesh, to know what that feels like you would have to coach the Bone Rocks.
All of which meant that Ttttaylor, the bookies pre-season favourites let us not forget, celebrated the most unlikely smash and grab of a playoff berth this league has ever seen.


The Playoffs.

(1) Tim Riggins Bench Warmers v (4) Ttttaylor
(3)Yoda From Wales v (2) Seventy Nine FC


As we enter the playoffs, you have to wonder, has that butterfly lying in the frozen Minnosta snow flapped its wings for the last time?


Coming Soon...CNFLE III!

A huge thank you to all the coaches for making this the most competitive league on the planet. The fact that the likes of the Baptists, Lottery and the Factory refused to bail speaks volumes for the integrity of their coaches. Make sure you stay with us for the playoffs. In the meantime we can reveal the draft order for CNFLE III.

The first pick of the CNFLE III fantasy draft will be...

  1. Bryants Baptists
  2. Fear Factory
  3. It's A Lottery
  4. Super Swedes
  5. French Leader
  6. Royale With TD's
  7. The Hairy Frog Disco
  8. The Bones Rocks
  9. Tttaylor
  10. Yoda From Wales
  11. Seventy Nine FC
  12. Tim Riggins Bench Warmers.

Finally, in case you've had your fill of fantasy let me inform you that Tttaylor beat the Bench Warmers and went on to claim the Superbowl by defeating Yoda in the final. The bookies are never wrong I tell ya!


Happy Holidays.

Jim Marrs.

Saturday 11 December 2010

Whilst I'm Thinking About It....Week 14 Preview

Whilst I’m Thinking About it......... Week 14 Preview.

‘Porridge again?’ enquired Bob.

‘Uh hu’, responded a forlorn looking Carl.

Tatania left her apartment, the morning sun shimmering off the lower back of her low slung Versace dress. She stepped seductively into the back of the Maserati waiting patiently for her appearance after a long night.

She slipped effortlessly onto the back seat.

The shadow that lurked in the back of Bob & Carl’s dreams was sat in the darkest corner of the back seat. ‘You are sure that there is no way that they can ruin us’ he growled.

‘I am sure’ Tatania purred, ‘All evidence of their findings have been eradicated’.


Tatania.  Always a pleasure.

Meanwhile, the bejewelled and bearded twelve foot King of Babylonia bounded down Luton High Street, resplendent still in his regal kagool and his mittens forged from sacred mammoth wool. He was headed directly for the building formerly known as Carlton Towers.

The building where Bob & Carl penned their early season reports.

The building where I, the Ed, still plough my lone literary furrow.

After scaring the slightly dishevelled receptionist half witless, (after all its not everyday a giant bearded plastic mack wearer, claiming to be the king of Babylonia demands to see the Ed), and convincing Security that indeed his identification was valid, the King reached my desk.

‘Ed’ said the King.

‘Yes, that’s me’ says I.

‘It appears that Bob & Carl left this when they visited me in the Subterraniverse some months ago‘, he slowly explained somewhat red faced, ‘it was in my pocket, and have only just found it, Sorry’.

The King rustled through his plastic pocket, found another raisin, munched it and handed over a small black plastic item.

‘USB’ he explained ‘I think they were working on finding out who would still be in the playoffs in week 14 using the crystal ball’ He looked around, ‘by the way where is it? Can I have my ball back?’.

I (Ed) placed the hallowed plug-in on my desk, ruminated for a moment and then plugged the USB into my official Hackney Marshes Chronicle laptop. The screen burst into life. I clicked the file with the most recent date.... the 3rd of October 2010.

It read.....

Eight teams will still be left in the hunt for three playoff spots, and the permutations will read like this.....

Here’s the skinny...

Division 1
Tim Riggins Bench Warmers.




Winners Division 1, Secured #1 seed for playoffs. Will play the wild card winners.

Royale with TD’s.


                  

Royale with TD's will clinch wild card place with a WIN, and the following sequence of results...
  • Yoda LOSS or, Bone Rocks LOSS or WIN with a total points score 106 points less than Royale.

The Royale's will clinch the wild card place with a LOSS if the following results occur.
  •  Super Swedes WIN by with a score of 11 points less than Royale
  • Yoda WIN
  • Bone Rocks LOSS with a total point score 106 points less than Royale.
  • Ttttaylor LOSS or WIN with a total point score 85 less than Royale.
  • Seventy Nine FC LOSS with a total point score 56 less than Royale.
  • French Leader LOSS or WIN with a total point score 62 less than Royale.
  • Hairy Frog Disco LOSS or WIN with a total point score of 24 less than Royale.


 Super Swedes.



 

Super Swedes can only clinch Wild Card place with a WIN and the following sequence of results...
  • Royale LOSS with a points score not exceeding the Swedes final week score by 9 points.
  • Yoda WIN
  • Bone Rocks LOSS with a point score 96 points less than the Swedes final week score.
  • Tttaylor LOSS or WIN with a points score 75 points less than the Swedes final week score.  
  • Seventy Nine LOSS with a points score 45 points less than the Swedes final week score. 
  • French Leader LOSS or WIN with a point score 52 points less than the Swedes final week score. 
  • Hairy Frog Disco LOSS
The Super Swedes will be eliminated with a LOSS.


Bryants Baptists.



 Eliminated, currently in possession of the #2 pick in next years draft.

Division 2

Yoda From Wales.




 Yoda will WIN Division 2 with a WIN.

Yoda will WIN Divsion 2 with a LOSS and the following sequence of results
  •  Bone Rocks LOSS
Yoda will claim the WILDCARD with a LOSS and the following sequence of results.

  • Bone Rocks WIN.
  • Royale with TD's LOSS

The Bone Rocks.



 The Bone Rocks will WIN Division 2 with a WIN and the following sequence of results...
  • Yoda LOSS

The Bone Rocks will claim at least a wildcard spot with a WIN

The Bone Rocks will claim a wildcard spot with a LOSS and the following Sequence of results...

  • Royale LOSS
  • Swedes LOSS or WIN by a points score not exceeding the Bone Rocks final week score by 95 points.
  • Ttttaylor LOSS or WIN by a points score not exceeding the Bone Rocks final week score by 22 points.
  • Seventy Nine LOSS by a points score not exceeding the Bone Rocks final week score by 50 points.
  • French Leader LOSS or WIN by a points score not exceeding the Bone Rocks final week score by 44 points
  • Hairy Frog Disco LOSS or WIN by a points score not exceeding the Bone Rocks final week score by 82 points.


 Ttttaylor



Tttaylor can clinch a wild card place with a WIN against French Leader and the following sequence of results.

  • Royale with TD’s LOSS
  • The Bone Rocks LOSS with a point score of 22 less than Ttttaylors final week score.
  • Super Swedes LOSS or WIN by a point score not exceeding the Ttttaylor final week score by 75.
  • Seventy Nine LOSS with a point score of 30 points less than Tttaylor, combined with a Hairy Frog Disco LOSS or WIN with a point score of 32 more than Seventy Nine FC.
If  79FC WIN they win Division 3 and Hairy Frog Disco would need to WIN and beat Tttaylor's score by 
by 62 points to finish above Ttttaylor.

Tttaylor are eliminated with a LOSS

It’s A Lottery  




Eliminated, currently in possession of the #3 pick in next years draft.



Division 3

                                                                    Seventy Nine FC



79FC will win Division 3 with a WIN

79FC will win Division 3 with a LOSS and the following sequence of results
  • French Leader LOSS or WIN with a point score of 7 less than Seventy Nine’s final week score.
  • Hairy Frog Disco LOSS or WIN with a point score not exceeding the Seventy Nine final week score by 33 points.

79FC will clinch the Wild Card will a LOSS and the following sequence of results...


  • Royale with TD’s LOSS with a point score not exceeding the Seventy Nine final week score by 56 points.
  • Bone Rocks LOSS with a point score of 50 less than Seventy Nine’s final week score.
  • Super Swedes LOSS or WIN with a point score not exceeding the Seventy Nine final week score by 46 points.
  • Ttttaylor LOSS or WIN with a point score of 30 less than Seventy Nine’s final week score.
  • French Leader LOSS or WIN with a point score of 7 less than Seventy Nine’s final week score.
  • Hairy Frog Disco LOSS or WIN with a point score not exceeding the Seventy Nine final week score by 33 points.

                                                                            French Leader.



French Leader will win Division 3 with a WIN and the following sequence of results
  • Seventy Nine FC LOSS with a point score not exceeding the French Leader final week score by 6 points.
  • Hairy Frog Disco LOSS or WIN with a point score not exceeding the French Leader final week score by 39 points.

French Leader will clinch the Wild Card Place with a WIN and the following sequence of results.

  • Royale with TD’s LOSS with a point score not exceeding the French Leader final week score by 62 points.
  • Bone Rocks LOSS with a point score of 44 less than French Leader final week score.
  • Seventy Nine FC LOSS with a point score not exceeding the French Leader final week score by 6 points.
  • Super Swedes LOSS or WIN with a point score not exceeding the French Leader final week score by 52 points.
  • Ttttaylor LOSS
  • Hairy Frog Disco LOSS or WIN with a point score not exceeding the French Leader final week score by 39 points.
French Leader will be eliminated with a LOSS.

 

The Hairy Frog Disco.






The Hairy Frog Disco will win Division 3 with a WIN and the following sequence of results...

  • Seventy Nine FC LOSS with a point score of 33 less than the Hairy Frog final week score.
  • French Leader LOSS or WIN with a point score of 39 less than the Hairy Frog final score.

The Hairy Frog Disco will clinch the Wild Card Place with a WIN and the following sequence of results...

  • A Royale with TD’s LOSS with a point score not exceeding the Hairy Frog final week score by 24 points.
  • Bone Rocks LOSS with a point score of 82 less than Hairy Frogs final week score.
  • Seventy Nine FC LOSS with a point score of 33 less than the Hairy Frogs final week score.
  • Super Swedes LOSS
  • Ttttaylor LOSS or WIN with a point score of 62 less than the Hairy Frog Disco final week score.
  • French Leader LOSS or WIN with a point score of 39 less than the Hairy Frog final week score.
The Hairy Frog Disco will be eliminated with a LOSS.

Fear Factory




Eliminated, currently in possession of the #1 pick in next years draft.







‘Holy mackerel and Crikey Moses’ says I (the Ed). Leaning back against my leather clad swivel Editors chair, ‘with that sort of info you could take the bookies to the Cleaners’

Picking up my calculator, I (the Ed), calculated the odds of predicting that exact scenario on the 3rd October 2010 would be 62,758,421,559,270,000,000 to 1!
A look of astonishment crossed my face. ‘King’ hollered I (the Ed) we must get to the Peoples republic of Merseyside toute de suite. A terrible injustice has been done.

Tatania and the Shadow exited the Maserati at the entrance to the Savoy, headed for the American Bar, ‘Don’t worry father’, Tatania ushered the Shadow from the vehicle, ‘I will pick up the tip’.

She reached into her crocodile clad purse and handed the driver a crisp £100 note.

‘Why thank you Miss Ladbrokes, thank you’, replied Henry the chauffeur.

Good luck for week 14 gentlemen. For some it is the end of the road, for others, the start of a new adventure....

Ed.

Wednesday 1 December 2010

When Will This Madness End?

When Will This Madness End?



Slipping Away?


One of my most haunting childhood memories is watching a film where the hero's outstretched hand fails to save a female character from falling to their death. The hero strains every muscle, his fingertips making the briefest of connections before she slips from his grasp and plummets, screaming in horror down towards her inevitable demise.
I'm guessing this is how the Rook is feeling right now as for the third week he fails to tie up a playoff spot. He left the best Fantasy D on his bench and it cost him the game. It was without doubt the rookies biggest rookie mistake of the season. It could cost him his season.
The Bench Warmers week 13 match up against the Super Swedes now becomes the biggest game of the season since last weeks biggest games of the season.
Let us not forget the Baptists who after spending a week as the leagues worst team now power up the table to become the leagues second worst team.


Unthinkable.



Yoda has slipped to second in Division 2 courtesy of being run over by the Lottery. In a league where even the most pointless of teams refuse to give it up the Lottery handed Yoda his third loss on the spin. Week 13 sees Yoda take on the new Divison 2 leaders the Bone Rocks in what can only be described as, yep, you guessed it, the biggest game of the season so far!


Going To The Wire?


Royales with TD's are currently the leagues form team with four wins on the bounce and this one against divisional rivals the Swedes was huge. The Royales and the Swedes are now tied at 7 & 5 two games behind the Bench Warmers but both have far superior points scored. If the Swedes can turn over the Warmers in Week 13 and the Royales defeat the Baptists this division will go to the wire.

Still Dancing.


The Disco pulled off a big one against an in form French Leader to move to 7 & 5 and second in the division 3 behind 79FC on points scored. This defeat for the Leader leaves their playoffs hopes hanging by the smallest of thread, only a heroic effort can save them now. Defeat to Fear Factory in Week 13 and the Leaders season is done. The Disco face divisional leaders 79FC in Week 13 in what can only be decribed as THE BIGGEST GAME OF THE SEASON SO FAR!

A New Leader.


So the Bone Rocks claim top spot in the group of death with just two to go before the playoffs. The Rocks dispatched a disappointing Ttttaylor in week 12 and now take on Yoda in Week 13. But here's the rub. Yoda are currently outscoring their nearest 7 & 5 rival by 140.48 pts, this means that should Yoda fail to win the division and finish tied with any of the leagues chasing pack almost certain to claim the wildcard. The Disco, Bench Warmers, Bones, Royal and 79FC should all be cheering on the green one in Week 13.

One Week Wonders.


The Fear Factory fell from their recording breaking heights of last week and return to earth with a defeat at the hands of 79FC. This win keeps 79 at the top of the division by just 31points. With 79FC matching up against the Disco in Week 13 this divisional has more permutations than my tiny brain can handle.


It's been a whistle stop tour this week but as this most memorable of season's reaches its climax you'd be a fool not to check back this weekend for a full Week 13 preview. One thing's for sure, if your not spending Sunday night in front of a HD TV and a laptop you truly have no soul.


Happy Hoilidays




Jim Marrs.